How Green is the grass?

Billo Rani turned back to the mirror and flinched as she stared at her love handles. She found it strange how such disgusting things can be called such a seductive name. The only people who liked her love handles were kids, who mistook them for monkey climbing and hung on to them when they missed parks. As she marched across the street, her eyes sat on Chammak challo who tossed her hair while whispering into her Nokia x6 and occasionally flashing her artisan crafted 32. Billo noticed her body, the way the purple dress looked on her and her as-smooth-as-veet-promises kinda hair. Billo's heart sank.

-------------------------------------------------------

Chammak challo zara dheere chalo is what the gully boys often sang to her on her way to office every morning. Chammak nervously tried to walk faster pretending not to hear but she sure knew it was not a few days affair(unlike her previous one). She considered asking her father to buy a chartered plane to drop her college, possibly anything to avoid the song which sounded tailor made by Altaf Raja in support of the noble cause of eve teasing. She was disgusted (by the song and the boys' pimples) and often confided and sometimes broke down to her Parryware basin but she was happy facing the pseudo-transgenders who took away all her cash with just one clap rather than the gully boys practising for Indian Idol auditions every morning.

-----------------------------------------------------

Moral: Shit happens to everyone.

10 sincere pieces of advice to Indian Television

1. Sati Savitri Aunty: Dear Aunty, I know your undying love for pancake, whorish red lipstick and the 120 Kg Swarosky crystal studded nine yards but please buy a pair of pyjamas and wear them when you go to sleep.

2.Facing the mother in law's wrath: Oh please! Who listens to all the "Kulta kamini main tera khoon pee jaungi" crap from the Mom in law all the time?! Get a life woman! Go take Kravmaga classes and beat the crap out of her. And who asked you to marry the son of a bitch in the first place?

3. Show some happiness: Why is there a need to have a serpentine Vamp (Background music included) always ready to kiss the protagonists with her diabolical fangs? Give her a break from all the ostentatious make up and send her to a rehab. We like happy families.

4. Rebirths: Raaz pichle janam ka was the only show which could pull off the concept of hypnotising non-celebrities and making us buy their bullshity past life stories but Savitri Aunty, why cant your husband stop rebirthing? Plastic surgeries are not for the middle class, just for you to know.

5. Idol worship: a) Why do you need wannabes who want to show more skin than Payal Rohatgi?
b) Why should contestants dance and stare into each other to display "chemistry" while singing duets?
c) Why should people vote for these strangers? Well, at least, the voting rate is high somewhere.

6. 'Spit'villa: We neither like muscular, angutha chaap dorks nor the desi imitations of blond bimbos mixed with a variety of colorful expletives.
Honestly, Transgender beauty pageants would make a better reality than that.

7. We-will-give-you-every-shitty-detail news channels: We dont want to know the color of Sania Mirza's nail paint when she was getting married or an interview with the barber who gave Shoaib a clean shaven look or the number of dieticians his ex-wife visited or the people who tried to grope "Sania Bhabhi" in Pakistan. I thought only NDTV imagine had taken the theka to arrange Swayamwars.

8. Talking of Swayamwars, I had a series of nightmares after accidently watching the coy, sugar coated Rakhi Sawant gyrating to Tujhme rab dikhta hai. Rahul Mahajan's laughter was equally
torturous.

9. The Great Indian Comedies: I shudder each time I hear those sudden fake bouts of laughter for jokes which deserve nothing more than a straight face. And the next time I see this certain person doing mimicry, Ill go into Coma.

10. Celebrity Dance shows: Saroj Khan's seeti or her beautifully accented Engliss doesnt make the TRP-o-meter rise anymore. And tell me what's worser than watching cricketers like Baichung Bhutia doing cha cha cha? Probably Mir ranjan Negi doing the same. Oh wait! Baichung plays football.

One night @ a Bengali gathering

A strong whiff of deep fried fish, echoes of high pitched boisterous laughter and unlimited variety of food.. Welcome to a Bengali gathering.

Needless to mention Bengalis love their food. Breaking all barriers of calorie counts they HAVE to have their fish, Beguni (Deep fried Brinjals coated with a mixture of chickpea flour) for starters which will be served thrice, each time giving you that you-eat-like-a-bird look. And your stomach will be so full of them , you would want to kill yourself before the main course arrives.

Apart from the food there are also small sub groups formed in the gathering. On set of aunties will be hovering around the kitchen irrespective of whether they are needed there, sharing tips of improving the already known dishes (Aunty1:"Put this along with that and you see how the kids love it. I always do that" Aunty2: "Accchhhaaaaa??") Some busily indulging in gossip of who wore the worst sari in the last gathering or who spoke something highly offensive or some latest gold earring someone bought followed by all ladies examining the piece of jewellery like a molecular biology scientist and raving like they just saw one of the rarest pieces of jewellery in their entire life.
The men will be either discussing politics or cricket and if a match is on then they become visibly oblivious to their surroundings. Their food intake is directly proportional to the no. of wickets fallen in the last overs. And no matter who is talking to them their eyes will be glued to the TV screen like they originated from there and the collective scream of joy at a fallen wicket will shake the whole apartment.

Group number 3 will be of the youngsters who will catch up while giving an occasional glance at their phones for new text messages. Topics of discussion will range from how boring family functions can be to discussing universal mommy dialogues (and hi5-ing at them) to how difficult it is for us, Bengalis, to lose weight no matter how hard we try and all this while digging into copious amounts of high calorie snacks.

And finally arrives the main course. Not one, not two, there will be at least 5 side dishes and every aunty expecting you to eat "her curry" properly or else you will be blamed of how less your appetite is or the usage of the classic line "tum bacche log nahi khaoge toh kaun khaega?".

Just when you thought it is over, wait for it....there will be juicy Rajbhog or chamcham waiting in line to seduce your eyes (your stomach becomes numb at this point) and you will be gladly offered two if you have the reputation of loving sweets (I m a perfect example)

The party spirit will go on till the hosts drop all the guests to their car with another round of bosterious laughter and never ending bye byes and "Aabar ashbe" (Please come again) and all your weight loss plans will be disposed in deepest of deep ditches.

And a random post happens..

Was tagged in Vamsi's blog for this post. So, random questions, here I come..

1. What is your current obsession?
A. Nose ring. I want one badly.

2. What are you wearing today?
A. A pair of my favourite (and rugged) black jeans with a kurti gifted by my best friend.

3. What's for dinner today?
A. Dont make me hungry now.

4. What's the last thing you bought?
A. Chicken Tikka frankie.

5. What are you listening to right now?
A. Uff teri ada- Karthik Calling Karthik

6. What do you think about the person who tagged you?
A. He gave me a reason to update. :D His blog is nice and so is his blog skin.

7. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
A. In Paris, overlooking the Eiffel Tower *dreams*

8. What are your must-have pieces for summer?
A. A/c, Nimbu paani, Nariyal paani and gaagils :D

9. If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
A. Ponidcherry. Ill spend an hour walking around a beach and get back.

10. Which language do you want to learn?
A. Reading and writing Bengali

11. What’s your favourite quote?
A. Right now I can remember: "To err is human but to forgive is against company policies"

12. Who do you want to meet right now?
A: Apurva Muralidhar.

13. What is your favourite color?
A: BLACK. It is seductive, powerful and enchanting.

14. Give us three styling tips that work for you.
A: -If you like it, wear it
-Dont be too matchy matchy all the time
-If your hair is good, everything else is good

15. What is your dream job?
A: A lecturer of french who also sings and writes books.

16. Which is your favourite magazine?
A: Femina. Humour, language, information and advice, Femina offers it all.

17. If you had $100 dollars with you right now, what would you spend it on?
A: Clothes and cuisine.

18. What do you consider a fashion faux pas?
A: Pancake of makeup, wearing shades everywhere and everytime (seriously dude! get a life!)

19. Who according to you is the most overrated style icon?
A: Ill second Vamsi on Srgay.

20. What kind of haircut do you prefer?
A: Anything short and sleek. Fringes, I love.

21. What are you going to do after this?
A: No prizes for guessing... HOG.

22. What are your favourite movies?
A: I m too lazy to type them all down.

23. What inspires you?
A: Soul stirring, heart warming music.

24. What do your friends call you most commonly?
A: Slothy, laccho, Trish, Moti.... (Ok isnt that enough to make fun of me already?)

25. Would you prefer coffee or tea?
A: Ze former.

26. What do you do when you are low or terribly depressed?
A: wait till I m fine.

27. What makes you go wild?
A: Depends on which wild is being talked about :P

28. Which other blogs do you love visiting?
A: My friends' blogs, random blogs and the one I follow.

29. Favourite dessert?
A: Heehaw. I'd like to think I was an ant in the previous birth :D

30. How many tabs are turned on in your browser right now?
A: Twitter, Facebook, zeetalk and Blogger ofcourse.

31. Favourite Season?
A: Autumn (which we hardly have in India) and Winter (which we hardly have in Hyderabad)

32. If I come to your house what would u cook for me?
A: Depends on what you bring for me.

33. What is the right way to avoid people who purposefully hurt you?
A: Play the "which finger is this?" game with them and no matter which finger they choose, always show the middle one.

34. What are you afraid of the most?
A: Losing my loved ones.

35. When you looked at the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
A: "Not bad"

36. What instantly brings a smile on your face?
A: A sumptuous meal.

37. A word that you say a lot?
A: "Aeey Liiiiiiite"

38. When was the last time you did something nice?
A: I took mother by surprise by gifting her a collage of her best pictures on her birthday.

39.What would you do if you were made the President of India for one day?
A: Ill choose that day to be Republic or Independence day coz thats the only time of the year I see the President "doing" something.

40. Do you know who master Shifu is?
A: I havent watched Kung fu Panda :D

Mere CV ka balatkaar

Hi Trishnanta, I m Navin. I m with Google for 4+ years now. So, Trishnanta.. Did I get your name right?

Me: Yeah. Its Trishnanta (Emphasizing on the first N. Something told me not to address him as "Sir"

I m ready with the answer if you want to know how I got the name, what it means, etc.

Mental Profile of Navin: 1. You are not young

2. You are definitely not hot.

3. Your french beard is intimidating.

4. You look like one of those proper corporate CV rapists who disguise themselves in semi formals.

5. I dont think I can even smile during the interview forget about being funny)

Navin: Ill give you certain phrases. Please make necessary grammatical changes wherever necessary.

(You are hating my essay arent you? I wrote two in 45 minutes and I m sure there will be more errors than strands of hair on my head )

Me: Sure.

Dictation continues for 5 minutes and I hated every sentence structure. I couldnt believe I wrote SO horribly and still passed that round. After correction and his 2 minutes of verification the drama was about to unfold. My one month of mental preparation, expectations from myself, gathering the "tips", it was time for the first job interview of my life to begin. I felt blank and just decided to maintain eye contact. (It might have come across as a desperate stare)

Navin: In this session or let me call it a conversation,

(You make it sound like a date. But the word "conversation" comforts me.)

I think Ill be able to understand what kind of skills you possess.

(Yes. You will understand in 20 minutes what I couldnt understand for 21 years of my life.)

Me: *gives a faint half smile* Yeah sure.

Navin: Ok. If we conduct a grammar teaching session as a part of your job training and teach you things completely different from what you have been learning for good 15 years of your life, how comfortable would you be?

(Is that a question? For a second I thought you'd just talk and ill do the eye contact part.)

How comfortable would you be?

(Trish? Answer? It IS a question.)

Me: Yeah I think I will definitely be comfortable. If the job profile demands such kind of training I think ill undo what I have learnt and learn the new things taught to me. I m not saying it will be easy but I think Ill be able to do it.

(WTF happened to "tell me about yourself?"and "Give me a quick run through your resumé"?? NO. This was not how it was supposed to start.)

Navin: Ok your CV tells me you organized events and were a part of press and publicity for the fest "Constellation". can you tell me how you went about it?

Me: (without taking a moment) *Gives details about the science club and the fest*

(Back ground thoughts while speaking:

Wtf is he writing in his book? Is he even listening? Is he noting down all that I m saying? He is raping my mind. YES, these recruitment people get paid for having sex with people's minds. I m SO fucked.)

Navin: Ok. Any situation where you had to take an unpopular decision?

(Situational question. Screw you. Unpopular decision? When did I ever take any? FUCK. Why are you doing this Navin? why? Tell something now, Trish)

Me: (At this point I introduce vidyouth)

Navin: Oh yeah I can see in your CV- I m sorry I have to keep getting back to it- So what do you do for vidyouth?

Me: (Sigh. Something I rehearsed , atleast)

Navin: I see you have done some good work in Cell biology. Ofcourse, who doesnt know about Shanta Biotechnics?! (The only time he smiled during the interview. It felt good.) Why do you want to shift to a different field?

Me: (I fucking knew this question would come up. I KNEW.) Life science has always been a passion (I used it. I used that bloody word) I was always into life science but in due course of time I realised I also have a knack for creative writing and communication oriented things and thus this decision.

( That suicidal look on his face tells me I should shut up and fuck off. Someone help? *sobs* The naiyya of my confidence has a hole.)

Navin: Ok what do you know about the job role you have applied for?

Me: An adword representative has various responsibilities which include checking the ad content for content, quality and accuracy. He/She also deals with the google advertisers' portfolios and provides excellent customer satisfaction.

(I m only telling you what I read yesterday. You have no idea how much I have googled google for google. Whoa! just came up with that)

Two to three more situational questions and we came close to end of this "conversation".

Navin: I m done. Anything you have in mind that you want to ask?

Me: Well, what exactly are you looking for in candidates?

(It was like asking "Why was I here, again?")

Navin: Well, we are basically looking for enthusiastic people who have a keen interst and drive for their job role. (and I have none)

I cant reveal further because of confidentiality issues but in the broader sense these are the qualities. Does that answer your question?

Me: Yes. definitely.

(Leave me. I wanna go home. I m famished)

We shake hands and I come out of the room. Good or bad, it was over.

PS: I succesfully screwed and got screwed in my first job interview. Oh wait! Cant call it a rape anymore, can I?