Fresher resume - Decoded

I would like to believe the word glorification came into existence only after the first CV was made by humankind. And Ive always wondered why certain things HAVE to be part of a CV almost like they are attached in the head. This post is dedicated to all recruiters who have headed straight to their bars after having the misfortune of going through some classic CVs. A lot us get stuck at the objective. I would have loved to end it with just, "recruit me, PWEAAASE?" but a lot of play of words is required to make it sound right.

Usually, Objective = (insert a diplomatic tel maalish statement in praise of your organization along with a humble promise of launching a few GSLVs upon recruitment)

CONTACT INFORMATION:

In south India, while reading the resume, it'll take you 10 minutes to just cross this part. There will be the name of the village, the mummified 500 A.D Ancestor's middle name, distant relative's wife's brother name along with the names of a few gods.. I think you get the picture.

Name: "Mallapuram Vignahara Venkata Srinatha Ganesha Sanjeev Rao" (You can call me Sanj is what they'll say on the client call)

Gender, Caste (OC, BC, DC, MC), add to that 3-4 emergency contact numbers incase the HR dept is more interested in hiring them than they themselves. And a bunch of other details you really wouldnt want to know about them. Arey bhaiya, what will I do with your marital status unless I m a really despo recruiter looking for matchmaking instead of hiring?!

Next section: EDUCATION.

Can be totally ignored unless there is IIT or IIM mentioned which is totally ruled out since I believe students of these institutes just have to utter II.... and the companies will drag them like a new wed couple looking to make hay while the sun shines.

Also, Education will have some ignorable percentiles right from scores in Moral science subject in kindergarten to that second rank (missed 90% by just 1 mark and almost ran away from home) in 10th Standard.

ADDITIONAL QUALIFICATIONS: There's hardly anything additional here but what the hell? The CV should look like it just got a shot of botox in the wrinkles.

A few examples:

- Sound knowledge in Microsoft word, Powerpoint (made ppts in school for the "eradicate dustbins" movement) or a little more posh sounding SQL, Visual Basic, most of the projects of which were copied from the topper of the class. 

- Certicate course in paper boat making. (Hands on experience in the potholes of hyderabad in the month of July-August)

- An Inter disciplinary course in Animal Psychology. (Learnt that at any point of time, monkeys have less itching in their armpits to know about other's lives than humans.)

AWARDS AND RECOGNITION:

- First prize in Atif Aslam Talent Hunt 2009 - Inter class fest (Sang "Dooooon-rie sahi jaye na" and got laid for the first time)

- Second prize in debate - Topic- "Should we be denied the permission to pee during classes?"

- First prize in running-in-my-fallen-pants-which-served-as-a-bora competition.
- First prize in Group Song competition - (Me along with 20 other besuras rendered a soulful "I love my India". Cheif guest was reportedly constipated during the performance, atleast that's what he looked like in the photo taken of the event)
- First prize in Skit competition - Played the sari of Draupadi in a skit which was a spoof on Mahabharata (Bloody, other house people took away the Ramayana idea)

STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES:

This is my favourite part of a fresher's resume mostly because I can close my eyes and say what will be under this section. Infact I vividly remember from college that someone actually approached someone asking, "arey strengths main kya likhna re? Gud cmmnications sklls likhun kya?" I hope the recruiter didnt faint after reading that resume which was a nothing short of a long sms.

Also, as a recruiter, you can never ever trust "Good communications skills" written in resumes unless you happen to call these people. Most often than not, they are the ones who'll end up saying things like "Sir! Do you have a minute so I could encounter you with my questions?" in a client call. And it will be a real life case of Ab Tak chappan.

Weaknesses usually consist of the word "Workaholic"( because google told me it can become a strength and weakness at the same time). Lets face it, a lot of us who are linguistically challenged, at various points of time have surrendered and folded knees in front of google while making our CVs.

Also, after a little bit of experience in the corporate world, trust me, being too much of a workaholic will only make you weak and alcoholic.

Hobbies and Interests:

Very interesting hobbies I have found in this section. The list of interests and what they really mean:

- Watching TV (Record breaking 8 hours of watching the repeat telecast of "Woh mere pati ki chudail hai")
- Reading Books (ONLY Chetan Bhagat. He is god. And his english can be understood)
- Listening to Music (Recruit me and check out my spiritual, peace inducing ringtones)
- Hanging out with friends (During the week, Ill keep my team mates hanging)
- Surfing the net (Ill readily pass on the Namita videos to keep the team spirit going at bad times)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

PS: Just a bunch of observations ;) No offence to South Indian friends either. I love your long names ;)

The Hen and the egg - II

She was throwing up near the village well incessantly. The first rush of motherhood overpowered her. It was divine, calming and terrifying at the same time. The wagging tongues knew no stopping. "You saw the way her face is rounding? It HAS to be a boy", they concluded with a short round round of giggle. Her foresight was getting stronger along with fear and apprehension. Life gave her just one option. Prayer.

---------------------------------------

She carefully stepped into the thorny bushes and glanced at the high cemented wall. Soon she sprang into life when the bell was gone. A herd rushed out running, some walking at their fastest best with bags heavier than themselves yet smiling brightly. Their smiles rubbed off onto her. She remembered her father's words. "No rain, No school". She raised her head to the clear blue sky with something she had in abundance. Hope.

---------------------------------------

Their eyes grew wide and reddened with the rising flame of the torch. "How far could she have gone? She thinks she can fool these eyes with her naive tactics? That heap of filth has no idea what she is getting into (mild laugh)" said one of them with a characteristic deep masculine voice. They furiously marched ahead.

------------------------------------

By this time mortal fear gripped her very tight. She decided to ignore the thump of her heartbeat. She could neither pant nor breathe. This was by far the biggest test of her physical limits. Her eyes roved and landed onto a structure that seemed something like a wall. She knew she HAD to pull this off, for the life inside her and for herself.

------------------------------------

The faint images of garishly dressed women along with half clothed men was making her dizzy. "Where are those sky high buildings? Those long never ending roads they always talked about?" she thought to herself. For once she was failing to cross the blurred lines between right and wrong. Confused, she decided to take a step further without having the least idea how deciding that one step could be. She gave into her dream of breaking the barriers.

------------------------------------

"Do you REALISE what you have done?" exclaimed the head after planting a thunderous slap on his cheeks. "You let that filthy little woman blow dust in your eyes? Do you realise that?" An eerie silence followed. "Its ruined. It is completely ruined" he finished collapsing on a stone seat. The heads hung low and none dared to look him in the eye.

------------------------------------

She quickly cleared the heap of dried leaves and pebbels and sat facing a place that her father always referred to as the "resting place of your mother". Memories of a disturbed childhood and confused youth played in the mental reel one by one making her sullen and reflective. She wept like there was no tomorrow while stretching  her arms into the air and deeply remembering the soul resting below the inanimated stones. She silently promised to herself, "Ill give my child the best of all worlds".

-----------------------------------

PS: Sushmita Banda, this is for you. I dont know if I have done justice to your request but Ill let you decide that. Also dedicated to my mother.

PS2: If this doesn't make sense to you, read the previous post first.

The Hen and the egg

She heaved a sigh of relief when her bottom fell heavy on the ground. Soon tears covered her face like blood oozing out of a wound. She sat distraught and relieved across a kaccha wall of freshly layed bricks. The reflexes forced her palm onto her swollen belly and she sat there praying while trying her best to silence the rhythym of her breath and the pounding heart...

----------------------------------

She ripped through the grass fields with her little palms trying to be out of sight for the old grandmother whose jug she had broken. The old woman continuously cursed and mumbled unintelligibly. "Girls are a pain, I told him but who gives value to the words of this old thing? Losing my sanity am I? This little bitch had made life hell" she finished while looking for another jug in the dust coated shelves.

----------------------------------

She rested under the wall for several hours and woke up only when the early morning rays brushed her pale face. She rubbed her eyes and tried to rise at one go and a flinching pain passed her belly and upper high. Her scream echoed in the nearby fields. She somehow gathered herself and decided to walk. The destination was not as close as she thought..

----------------------------------

She wept after being beaten up mercilessly for the nuisance she caused. "A well deserved punishment" as per the granny, followed by another round of slaps that began in full swing . A robust man barged into the house. "Is this what you old people love doing? For god's sake, look at her?! Arent you woman yourself?" The old woman shrugged, slowly crossed the threshold and disappeared into the curtains.

----------------------------------

She fell on the stairs resting unconscious not being able to bear the pain and exhaustion any longer. Her legs gave up at the very sight of destination being SO close. Spotted her was a man is his late fifties. He stared at her non-plussed, held her by the arms, tapped on her cheeks thinking it was one of those rag pickers waiting to earn some morning bread. The lines on his forehead burrowed deeper when he stared at her swollen belly. This was definitely not the usual..

----------------------------------
The women whispered in their low tones to the others witnessing this miraculous spectacle. They stood aghast not knowing what end this would see. The old man held a newborn in his hand, covered in vermillion, crying and reaching out to her lifeless birth giver.