Fresher resume - Decoded

I would like to believe the word glorification came into existence only after the first CV was made by humankind. And Ive always wondered why certain things HAVE to be part of a CV almost like they are attached in the head. This post is dedicated to all recruiters who have headed straight to their bars after having the misfortune of going through some classic CVs. A lot us get stuck at the objective. I would have loved to end it with just, "recruit me, PWEAAASE?" but a lot of play of words is required to make it sound right.

Usually, Objective = (insert a diplomatic tel maalish statement in praise of your organization along with a humble promise of launching a few GSLVs upon recruitment)

CONTACT INFORMATION:

In south India, while reading the resume, it'll take you 10 minutes to just cross this part. There will be the name of the village, the mummified 500 A.D Ancestor's middle name, distant relative's wife's brother name along with the names of a few gods.. I think you get the picture.

Name: "Mallapuram Vignahara Venkata Srinatha Ganesha Sanjeev Rao" (You can call me Sanj is what they'll say on the client call)

Gender, Caste (OC, BC, DC, MC), add to that 3-4 emergency contact numbers incase the HR dept is more interested in hiring them than they themselves. And a bunch of other details you really wouldnt want to know about them. Arey bhaiya, what will I do with your marital status unless I m a really despo recruiter looking for matchmaking instead of hiring?!

Next section: EDUCATION.

Can be totally ignored unless there is IIT or IIM mentioned which is totally ruled out since I believe students of these institutes just have to utter II.... and the companies will drag them like a new wed couple looking to make hay while the sun shines.

Also, Education will have some ignorable percentiles right from scores in Moral science subject in kindergarten to that second rank (missed 90% by just 1 mark and almost ran away from home) in 10th Standard.

ADDITIONAL QUALIFICATIONS: There's hardly anything additional here but what the hell? The CV should look like it just got a shot of botox in the wrinkles.

A few examples:

- Sound knowledge in Microsoft word, Powerpoint (made ppts in school for the "eradicate dustbins" movement) or a little more posh sounding SQL, Visual Basic, most of the projects of which were copied from the topper of the class. 

- Certicate course in paper boat making. (Hands on experience in the potholes of hyderabad in the month of July-August)

- An Inter disciplinary course in Animal Psychology. (Learnt that at any point of time, monkeys have less itching in their armpits to know about other's lives than humans.)

AWARDS AND RECOGNITION:

- First prize in Atif Aslam Talent Hunt 2009 - Inter class fest (Sang "Dooooon-rie sahi jaye na" and got laid for the first time)

- Second prize in debate - Topic- "Should we be denied the permission to pee during classes?"

- First prize in running-in-my-fallen-pants-which-served-as-a-bora competition.
- First prize in Group Song competition - (Me along with 20 other besuras rendered a soulful "I love my India". Cheif guest was reportedly constipated during the performance, atleast that's what he looked like in the photo taken of the event)
- First prize in Skit competition - Played the sari of Draupadi in a skit which was a spoof on Mahabharata (Bloody, other house people took away the Ramayana idea)

STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES:

This is my favourite part of a fresher's resume mostly because I can close my eyes and say what will be under this section. Infact I vividly remember from college that someone actually approached someone asking, "arey strengths main kya likhna re? Gud cmmnications sklls likhun kya?" I hope the recruiter didnt faint after reading that resume which was a nothing short of a long sms.

Also, as a recruiter, you can never ever trust "Good communications skills" written in resumes unless you happen to call these people. Most often than not, they are the ones who'll end up saying things like "Sir! Do you have a minute so I could encounter you with my questions?" in a client call. And it will be a real life case of Ab Tak chappan.

Weaknesses usually consist of the word "Workaholic"( because google told me it can become a strength and weakness at the same time). Lets face it, a lot of us who are linguistically challenged, at various points of time have surrendered and folded knees in front of google while making our CVs.

Also, after a little bit of experience in the corporate world, trust me, being too much of a workaholic will only make you weak and alcoholic.

Hobbies and Interests:

Very interesting hobbies I have found in this section. The list of interests and what they really mean:

- Watching TV (Record breaking 8 hours of watching the repeat telecast of "Woh mere pati ki chudail hai")
- Reading Books (ONLY Chetan Bhagat. He is god. And his english can be understood)
- Listening to Music (Recruit me and check out my spiritual, peace inducing ringtones)
- Hanging out with friends (During the week, Ill keep my team mates hanging)
- Surfing the net (Ill readily pass on the Namita videos to keep the team spirit going at bad times)

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PS: Just a bunch of observations ;) No offence to South Indian friends either. I love your long names ;)